Happy Birthday to Yee Kam Onn
The worse thing is to write something that happened a year ago. Everything will look blur and hazy. This is why I must write this down before time eats my brain away.
As I remembered it, Kam Onn suddenly found long lost friends after the 2002 Class Reunion to invite to his annual birthday dinner. His invitation was nothing out of the ordinary, except that it ended with the magical phrase, “lay leh, knor siew tiew cheee” (come I am roasting a huge pig!). Kim Fui, Tiew Seng and I especially were suckers for roasted pig meat. One would not be wrong to say that in my case, especially, if you were to give me Kate Beckingsale or ‘siew yoke’, I would pick pork meat over Kate anytime. Why? Because good pork meat lingers in your mind long after, while Kate--she is just a 3 minute flourish with a ticket to nowhere.
I love pork meat. If I were to die tomorrow, I will happily die eating pork as my last dish.
On that day, we had a pleasant surprise. We thought that, that Kam Onn bloke only invited us, but in came some 90 other people. Some of the people were gorgeous looking too, so we sat there wondering that Kam Onn must be a finicky old man to remain a bachelor. Or maybe he had no sex drive.
There were the beers and dozens of expensive wine bottles. The combination of women, beer and wine had a powerful effect on those who could not drink. Soon people like Chee Kin looked like Vin Diesel to me, while Sze Poh became the Fairy Queen on the Moon. Kim Fui--with his drunken stupor and thick white locks of hair --he looked and walked exactly like ‘Sow Hak Yee’, Jackie Chan’s kungfu master in the movie, Snake in the Eagle Shadow. Tiew Seng had deep red eyes but he laughed like some lunatic out of Tanjung Rambutan whenever he was observed digesting a crude joke. Wing Kwong usually required an orgasm to make him happy but for that night, beer mixed with wine and generous helpings of pig meat brought him some solace. You don’t have to ask about me. I just gorge and gorge plates and plates of fat pork as if I were an inmate out of Pudu Jail.
It soon dawn on me that a large pig like that has a head, tail and body parts that people with good manners would not eat at a party but would eat with their toes back home. I was pigging along for too long before I realized that, so I quickly made my way back to the butcher and asked for a doggie bag. “Mow chor leh. Law sai” (All gone!). It was hard to believe that body parts like that could all fly over my cuckoo’s nest so fast, so I stumbled up to Kam Onn and asked tearfully for my dog to be fed. All he could say was, “Ai yah, Sze Tho. I’ve got 7 sisters. Each has taken a doggie bag already. All taken. Next year lah...next year lah.”
At that moment, all the lard I took stiffened up like indigestible dog biscuits. I should have taken Kate Beckingsale instead, I thought. At least with Kate, she would leave me her pair of stockings to take home to sniff by.I am of course looking forward to August 2004 when this gentleman reaches 50. Will this pork friend of mine invite me to eat again? This time, I am taking no chances and borrowing a dog.
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